myself

Anxiety and Depression, Study Abroad

I know it has taken me a long time to write another post. The truth is I felt like giving up on this. I could not find any words to share because I had lost hope and inspiration. I found myself disinterested in many other daily activities. I would just stay home and feel sorry for myself. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what. I was too scared to face it and I did not want to face it. Relationships I had were just things in the past. It was hard to keep friendships because I did not want to talk to anyone and I knew they would not understand. I felt alone even though I was not.

I needed to wake up and take my life back, but I just did not know how. I would not say I have my life back but I am trying to wake up as best as I can. I knew if I did not do anything the most important relationships I still had would truly suffer.

I would no longer sleep well during the night, I was waking up several times. I would wake up early no longer able to sleep in. Anxiety about going to class, running into people, etc. Lack of interest in everything. Did not want to watch anything, read anything, write anything, did not want to work, go to school, and did not want to be outside. There were moments where I was really happy then I would get extremely mad or irritated. Constantly going through thoughts in my head which drove me crazy. This is just a slight picture of what I was going through.

It was really hard when I went to study abroad in London. It was my dream to go there for as long as I could remember. As soon as I got there it was extremely hard and I knew it was for everyone, but I knew myself and how it was probably going to go. I tried my best to talk to the other people there even though they thought I was just quiet. The thing is I wanted to talk, I wanted to be best friends with everyone there, and I just stopped myself because of myself. I wish that those friendships lasted because we all had a great time together when we were out. There were many times I was so happy to be there and to be there with great people. But after classes stopped I isolated myself and I don’t know what the others thought when I was just in my room. I was not trying to be rude, I just made myself more depressed than I already was. I wish I would’ve gone out and asked everyone what they were doing so I would be included, but I just sat there. I wish they would’ve said something to me too, but it was me dealing with me. I miss London now, I wish I could do it all over again, but I did learn a lot. I needed to wake up. To all my flat mates I love you girlies, you hold a special place in my heart and memories. We experienced a lot together. Thank you for making my birthday as special as it could be when I was sick and so far from home. I will never forget you guys.

The first step was going to see someone and admitting I had a serious problem. I was extremely nervous going into that first therapy session. I had become very closed off and it was difficult to talk about myself. But it was freeing to talk to someone who did not know me and did not judge me. In the end I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It did not come as a shock to me. I had dealt with anxiety before. I thought I had a handle on it but I guess I was wrong.

So I am in therapy, I try to go to the gym as much as I can, I try to eat better and be better. Living with these diseases is a struggle, but God gave me this challenge for a reason. I am going to live as best as I can and get the life I always wanted back. I hope you will continue on this journey with me. I am sorry to the people who think I forgot them. I love you all!

With all my love,

Meghann

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50 Random Questions

50 Random Questions

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?

My nickname is Meg my friends call me that or Megoo (don’t ask lol), but I like being called my full name Meghann.

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read?

I don’t have any books currently to read because I read them all, but my most recent read was Othello by Shakespeare

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?

I doodle a lot it’s mostly like flowers or hearts idk whatever comes to mind.

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?

I normally toss and turn, or I got back on my phone and wait until I am tired.

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?

I honestly could probably last a few hours before I become claustrophobic, it wouldn’t work out lol

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?

I do save them and just keep putting them in one box.

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know?

IDK that’s a good question

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?

I always look for someone I know, I don’t like a lot of attention on me, I start to blush lol

9. Boy Band vs. Girl Band?

Definately boy band, I mean I am a girl I like to look at boys lol, and there music is better in my opinion. Well, sometimes better.

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?

Probably around 8 I don’t really count the number of times when I look in the mirror

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?

I believed in Santa, idk.

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?

I enjoy watching disney channel once in a while, why should we have to grow up so fast?

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?

Probably me! Seriously I am probably the nicest person you could know, even though that sounds conceded but it’s true, you could ask my friends. It makes me feel good to be nice.

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?

Honestly I never read it.

15. Which animals scare you most? Why?

Any animal, don’t ask me why lol

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

Depends on the situation.

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured?

That my blog is Fabulous!

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?

Being more outgoing.

19. Justin Bieber or Austin Mahone?

Austin Mahone.

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain.

Haha I don’t think I am high maintenance but I love nice things, so maybe a tad.

21. What’s your favorite subject?

Probably History or English.

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

I have a small close nit of friends because I’d rather have one real friend than 10 fake.

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

I think I would do both. Why not?

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?

A couple years ago I was home alone and I left my room then I remembered I needed to shut off the light, but when I went back it was off, and the switch was still turned on. It was freaky.

25. What do you think about more than anything else?

Boys! I can’t help it I am a teenage girl.

26. What’s something that amazes you?

How great the people are at my school.

27. Favorite Food?

Chinese food because I rarely get it and when I do it’s amazing!

28. Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest?

The mall or movies? There’s really nothing to do where I am from.

29. What’s one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why?

I wouldn’t pay anyone to do something, because I like doing things myself.

30. Do you have a catchphrase?

No.

31. What’s your reaction towards people who are outspoken about their beliefs? What conditions cause you to dislike or, conversely, enjoy talking with them?

Actually one of my friends is like that, but it’s a part of who she is, and I still talk to her, everybody’s different.

32. How and where do you prefer to study?

By flashcards, and anywhere I am comfortable.

33. What position do you sleep in?

On my side.

34. What’s your all-time favourite town or city? Why?

NYC, it’s just a feeling I get when I am there, it’s awesome:)

35. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new?

Personality, beliefs, and goals

36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you?

I am an only child, but I have a half brother and sister from my dad’s previous marriage. It’s never really affected me because I don’t see them, and they’re at 10+ years older, so yea 🙂

37. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?

Being shy towards someone new, but I always warm up and can be myself most of the time, if I like you, lol.

38. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be?

A friendship I had two years ago, it ended really bad, and I miss her sometimes, but she can be a real B*%#$

39. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

Crystal, it’s my middle name, and it was supposed to be my first but my dad didn’t want that.

40. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not?

Sometimes because I just don’t want to get involved.

41. What do you consider unforgivable?

Someone who LIES. I hate when people do it.

42. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not?

Yes, and I am not going to explain.

43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?

Pretty hard because it takes two to tango.

44.Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?

Not really, or not yet.

45. To what extent do you trust people? Explain.

I always try to give people the benefit of doubt, I normally don’t trust people at the first sight of knowing them, idk.

46. In what area of your life are you immature?

Probably to inappropriate to say.

47. What was the best news you ever received?

So far, is my acceptance letter to my high school, next will probably be admission to college.

48. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular?

It’s not difficult I am always honest, seriously.

49. Can you live without music?

What kind of question is this, no I can’t, and this world would be horrible if there was no music. Nobody could live without music idc who you are. lol

50. When do you find yourself singing?

In the shower, at home, or anywhere besides school, lol 🙂

I hope you enjoyed, and learned some things about me , feel free to ask me anything you want, within limits.