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Anxiety and Depression, Study Abroad

I know it has taken me a long time to write another post. The truth is I felt like giving up on this. I could not find any words to share because I had lost hope and inspiration. I found myself disinterested in many other daily activities. I would just stay home and feel sorry for myself. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what. I was too scared to face it and I did not want to face it. Relationships I had were just things in the past. It was hard to keep friendships because I did not want to talk to anyone and I knew they would not understand. I felt alone even though I was not.

I needed to wake up and take my life back, but I just did not know how. I would not say I have my life back but I am trying to wake up as best as I can. I knew if I did not do anything the most important relationships I still had would truly suffer.

I would no longer sleep well during the night, I was waking up several times. I would wake up early no longer able to sleep in. Anxiety about going to class, running into people, etc. Lack of interest in everything. Did not want to watch anything, read anything, write anything, did not want to work, go to school, and did not want to be outside. There were moments where I was really happy then I would get extremely mad or irritated. Constantly going through thoughts in my head which drove me crazy. This is just a slight picture of what I was going through.

It was really hard when I went to study abroad in London. It was my dream to go there for as long as I could remember. As soon as I got there it was extremely hard and I knew it was for everyone, but I knew myself and how it was probably going to go. I tried my best to talk to the other people there even though they thought I was just quiet. The thing is I wanted to talk, I wanted to be best friends with everyone there, and I just stopped myself because of myself. I wish that those friendships lasted because we all had a great time together when we were out. There were many times I was so happy to be there and to be there with great people. But after classes stopped I isolated myself and I don’t know what the others thought when I was just in my room. I was not trying to be rude, I just made myself more depressed than I already was. I wish I would’ve gone out and asked everyone what they were doing so I would be included, but I just sat there. I wish they would’ve said something to me too, but it was me dealing with me. I miss London now, I wish I could do it all over again, but I did learn a lot. I needed to wake up. To all my flat mates I love you girlies, you hold a special place in my heart and memories. We experienced a lot together. Thank you for making my birthday as special as it could be when I was sick and so far from home. I will never forget you guys.

The first step was going to see someone and admitting I had a serious problem. I was extremely nervous going into that first therapy session. I had become very closed off and it was difficult to talk about myself. But it was freeing to talk to someone who did not know me and did not judge me. In the end I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It did not come as a shock to me. I had dealt with anxiety before. I thought I had a handle on it but I guess I was wrong.

So I am in therapy, I try to go to the gym as much as I can, I try to eat better and be better. Living with these diseases is a struggle, but God gave me this challenge for a reason. I am going to live as best as I can and get the life I always wanted back. I hope you will continue on this journey with me. I am sorry to the people who think I forgot them. I love you all!

With all my love,

Meghann

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What Goes On In My Head…

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Today, as I was watching some of my favorite TV shows with my mom, I started wondering off in my own mind. Thinking about my past and how it has brought me to the beginning of my future. I decided that I am going to stay close to home, where I currently live, and attend the University of Connecticut, Go Huskies!! Actually I will be getting my own apartment, I can’t wait to blog about that! I am so thrilled about this new journey I am about to face. I cannot believe in a few months I will be a college student 🙂

I have gone through a lot in my past. Bullying has been a big part of that. People made me feel like I was not worth it, they made me feel horrible about myself, and I got to a point where I almost started believing them. For some time I kept running away from my problems, but I knew I could never really run away from something that still was haunting me. I don’t want this post to be some sob story but more of a motivation and inspiration to some. Up until high school, bullying, was always there. I was never pretty enough or skinny enough, but did that even really matter anymore? High school has been a blessing in  my eyes, it has opened my heart to new experiences and cultures, and most of all I started to find myself. I have friends who accept me for who I am, who believe in bigger and better things for me. How have I been so lucky?

Since my past has left a scar on my heart, today I asked myself if the great things that are all coming together now, is something that I deserve. I almost had to slap myself to get that thought out of my head. I deserve to feel HAPPY, WORTHY, and DESERVING of everything that is coming my way. I have worked my butt off, not literally, yet 🙂 But in all sincerity, I can be my own worst enemy, but look where I am. Most people don’t make it as far as I have gotten and I am truly grateful. I have opened my heart to a new spiritual journey with none other that God himself, which I think has made me realize that I am worthy of what I receive. If you do not believe in God, it is okay, I don’t want to persuade you to believe in anything you do not want to, but I am just revealing more of who I am. Over the past couple of weeks he has shown me to forgive the people who have hurt me, and they might even be reading this post. I am willing to move on because I am at a point in my life where I do not want to look back at my past and be filled with hatred towards others, it just is not healthy. I am a lover not a fighter 🙂

The picture I have attached to this post is truly what I want each and every one of you’s to do. Yes I did purposely use the word you’s, wait, is that even a word? Well…whatever, it fit what I was trying to do. Which was trying to lighten the mood a little bit. You must be glad you came inside my head for just a while, huh? lol. (That was meant to be a tad sarcastic, and a bit of a metaphor, haha). Be HAPPY!! What makes me happy is writing and making others happy, I hope you all truly grasp that. This blog is supposed to be a mixture of who I am with a twist of fashion and music mixed in. I have not been good at keeping y’all updated, but you know I always come back. It breaks my heart if I am not able to write something for all of you. I pledge to try and keep you all happy, if you all pledge to be happy and stay strong in whatever is bringing you down because you will get through it, heck! I did 🙂 I hope you enjoyed reading this rant and I might be doing this type of writing more often, so keep posted, comment and like it up:)!!

With much love always,

NewBeautyGuru