Deep Thoughts

Anxiety and Depression, Study Abroad

I know it has taken me a long time to write another post. The truth is I felt like giving up on this. I could not find any words to share because I had lost hope and inspiration. I found myself disinterested in many other daily activities. I would just stay home and feel sorry for myself. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what. I was too scared to face it and I did not want to face it. Relationships I had were just things in the past. It was hard to keep friendships because I did not want to talk to anyone and I knew they would not understand. I felt alone even though I was not.

I needed to wake up and take my life back, but I just did not know how. I would not say I have my life back but I am trying to wake up as best as I can. I knew if I did not do anything the most important relationships I still had would truly suffer.

I would no longer sleep well during the night, I was waking up several times. I would wake up early no longer able to sleep in. Anxiety about going to class, running into people, etc. Lack of interest in everything. Did not want to watch anything, read anything, write anything, did not want to work, go to school, and did not want to be outside. There were moments where I was really happy then I would get extremely mad or irritated. Constantly going through thoughts in my head which drove me crazy. This is just a slight picture of what I was going through.

It was really hard when I went to study abroad in London. It was my dream to go there for as long as I could remember. As soon as I got there it was extremely hard and I knew it was for everyone, but I knew myself and how it was probably going to go. I tried my best to talk to the other people there even though they thought I was just quiet. The thing is I wanted to talk, I wanted to be best friends with everyone there, and I just stopped myself because of myself. I wish that those friendships lasted because we all had a great time together when we were out. There were many times I was so happy to be there and to be there with great people. But after classes stopped I isolated myself and I don’t know what the others thought when I was just in my room. I was not trying to be rude, I just made myself more depressed than I already was. I wish I would’ve gone out and asked everyone what they were doing so I would be included, but I just sat there. I wish they would’ve said something to me too, but it was me dealing with me. I miss London now, I wish I could do it all over again, but I did learn a lot. I needed to wake up. To all my flat mates I love you girlies, you hold a special place in my heart and memories. We experienced a lot together. Thank you for making my birthday as special as it could be when I was sick and so far from home. I will never forget you guys.

The first step was going to see someone and admitting I had a serious problem. I was extremely nervous going into that first therapy session. I had become very closed off and it was difficult to talk about myself. But it was freeing to talk to someone who did not know me and did not judge me. In the end I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It did not come as a shock to me. I had dealt with anxiety before. I thought I had a handle on it but I guess I was wrong.

So I am in therapy, I try to go to the gym as much as I can, I try to eat better and be better. Living with these diseases is a struggle, but God gave me this challenge for a reason. I am going to live as best as I can and get the life I always wanted back. I hope you will continue on this journey with me. I am sorry to the people who think I forgot them. I love you all!

With all my love,

Meghann

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Self Worth

Hello lovelies! I hope you all are doing well. It is early morning here and of course I am feeling inspired. Recently, I have been in a really great state of mind. I got rid of negativity and put positivity out into the world and back into my life. Of course this positivity led to a new spark in my life. It is pretty crazy how the world puts things together.

I titled this post about self worth because some people are put into your life to make you think in ways you never thought you would. They make you see yourself differently or possibly make you see the beauty of YOU! They also make you see that how you have been treated makes you who you are today and you should not be ashamed of that.

Of course no one needs to show you how worthy you are of the world and how worthy you are of you, but sometimes it is nice to have someone open the door. No, I do not mean someone to literally open the door, I am speaking metaphorically. (Just in case you did not know). I mean if you like having someone open the door for you, do you boo haha

Everyone who knows me knows I love makeup. I have an addiction. I work at a makeup store, which equals my paycheck going to makeup. I mean I am doing research for my customers right? Maybe it just sounds better when I put it like that. I am bringing up makeup because a beauty vlogger who I love on YouTube (KathleenLights) brought up self worth on her snapchat story yesterday, and let me tell you I had a revelation. Boys should never define your worth, it is that simple. Kathleen talked about how (in high school) she used to think boys were so complicated and of course guys think girls are complicated. This is a common belief, not just in high school. But she came to the realization that it is not true, at first I questioned her. I continued to listen and it made complete sense. If someone truly likes you, or if you like someone, things are never complicated or confusing. Someone will go the extra mile for you! I promise you. Just give it all time, waiting is key.

It is funny how some of define our worth based on men. I am currently in a class that is about feminist theories and it is so interesting. There’s a few guys in that class which really make it quite intriguing.

Self worth is something I believe is not something just women struggle with. As a society we all base our worth for someone based on weight, looks, how much money we make, etc. It is ridiculous. None of those things define who you are and they should not. If someone judges you based on those characteristics they have something they are battling with within themselves. If that makes sense. Obviously, you just need to look out for those people and stay away.

Something I struggle with everyday is body confidence, it is just something anyone can struggle with. When you have been bullied by boys in your youth for how you look, it really screws with your mind. Up until I started dating, I never understood how someone could love me, or accept me for who I am. But what I did not realize was the fact that I had never been myself around people. I was hiding so I could not get hurt over and over. I still struggle with being myself but it is okay. I have been more myself recently than I have in years. I don’t know if it’s from doing some early “spring cleaning” in my life or if it’s due to that spark I was talking about. Just stop over analyzing certain situations in your life, it eliminates confusion and negativity. Of course, I struggle to take my own advice at times, but that’s life right? Someone who sees you will not judge your appearance, only the appearance of what is on the inside. Let me tell you this is true. I know it is.

All of the guys that have come and gone in your life served a purpose. It leads you to finally see how worthy you are of so much happiness, joy, and love. I don’t necessarily mean to have those things come from someone else, they can come from yourself. You have to love yourself.

I think that I could go on and on about this topic, but I don’t want to keep you all reading forever. I guess I sort of talked about self worth and accepting positivity and love into your life. I thought it was something great to touch upon because Valentine’s Day is approaching. I hope you all have a fabulous Valentine’s Day loving yourself, family, or your significant other. We all deserve to have a lovely day.

I will catch up with you all again soon!

XOXO

~NewBeautyGuru~

 

Bad Friendships

There is a saying that goes something along the lines of “Friends are like stars, you don’t always see them, but you know they are always there”. But what happens when the star that symbolizes a friendship fades away?

Before I get going with the purpose of this post, I just wanted to ask you all how you are doing? I hope you are having an absolutely lovely day. I on the other hand have freezing rain outside my window, well not just my window, but let’s just say it’s gloomy and I want to go take a nap. That is actually a pretty good idea, I think I am going to take a nap after I write this, is that okay with you all? Haha  I can only ever take naps when it is cold and gloomy out, I do not know what it is, but I know I am probably not the only one who feels this way.

When a friendship starts loosing its spark, it is hard to accept. One person (in the friendship) may notice slight differences in how you both communicate, or the lack of effort one or both of you have in keeping the friendship intact. I wanted to bring this subject up because I have had to make a decision to keep certain people out of my life recently; whom I once thought brought me so much joy and happiness into my life. But I took a step back and saw the kind of person I was becoming. I did not recognize myself anymore. I was letting someone take advantage of me and I hardly realized it. I was letting the people who I was surrounded by influence my morals and what I really valued in life. This was TOXIC!

I do not know if any of you know that I am Christian. Now I know there has been a lot of negativity in the media highlighting some “Christians” and what they have been doing and what they believe. But first and foremost I do not want to force a relationship with God down your throat. Yes I will always speak about the good he has done in my life, but it is within reason. And that does not make me any less Christian for not going and preaching to people all the time. I get the feeling that Christian people have a bad reputation, but let me just say, NO ONE is the SAME. I treat everyone equally and a lot of Christians do, it is just the so called “bad one’s” we hear about. I bring this up because I had friends who did not respect the choices I was making because I want to be the best person I can be in the eyes of my God. It was hurting me because I had respected the questionable choices they had made, but when it was time for them to show the same respect, I got bashed and made fun of. What kind of friends are those, if you could even call them that? The point that I am trying to make is that do not keep people in your life that don’t respect your values. It is that simple, you do not need that in your life.

Sure the friendships I had did have their sparkle at most times, but when it goes out, it is out for good. What I mean by that is there were great memories that we made and they will never be forgotten. I do not wish my worst thoughts on them because what is the use? Sometimes people grow apart and you just can’t do anything to fix it.

I truly felt alone in these friendships a lot recently and up to the ending of the friendship. There were people who sort of came in and replaced me which is okay now since the friendship is gone. I am all for having a lot of friends, but how many can you say are your best friends? I hope my ex best friend realizes that I do not wish the worst thoughts on her, we had great times, and that our friendship was something really special. We both made mistakes, some more than others, but it is in the past. I hope you are able to live out your dreams, and live it out with people who are better suited for who you are, and where you are going.

I want you ALL to look into your life and make sure you have people in your life who make you better, lift you up, support you in school, and are overall the light to your smiles. As cheesy as it sounds your friends should light you up like the stars you are.

I am sorry that I have not been writing much, I have switched jobs, and university is crazy. I love you ALL, and I will see you when I see you

Stay beautiful!

XOXO NewBeautyGuru